home

Home by Saturday has, for a few years been one of my top 20 songs. There is a very specific memory that it is involved with- When i lived in Japan i felt such longing for home that it would be like a blinding light, some sort of imagined beacon that would guide me back to a life that i had left. I would wake up from dreaming confused as to where i was. I dreamed of my friends and family in Canada, of the places i loved in Toronto - home. But when i returned, home was no longer to be found. Things had changed, loved ones had changed, i had changed, rooms felt bigger and smaller, food tasted different and i couldnt find that one comfort that i had been missing so much, I couldnt find my home. I found instead pangs of nostalgia and a yearning for the land i had left. I was torn in two. Happy and sad simultaneously.
Over time things have adjusted (as they always do) and I kind of feel like i am home again, but the pangs have never left me.
I think i am beginning to understand a new notion of home. I think throughout a lifetime there will be many versions of comfort and love, maybe its a house you grew up in and a school you loved, your first apartment and your favorite restaurant. Or maybe it could be something else, maybe it could be a feeling that you can carry around with you, maybe the light can live inside you and you'll never have to feel homesick again. The latter is my hope for my future. I have been contemplating a move back. But still feeling torn.